Being a fan of the NFL, by all accounts right now I should be doing nothing but preparing for the "holiest" of all days...Super Bowl Sunday. Now don't get me wrong, I will watch the game on Sunday and enjoy it, but I really don't get into all the hype that precedes it. In fact, I really dislike the fact that two weeks must commence between the AFC/NFC Championships and the overall title game (although I DO like the fact that it gives the players a chance to rest up in order to give their best performances). However, at about this time every year, I start to become hooked by another sport...bowling. I'm usually just a baseball (Twins) and football (Vikings) guy (I haven't watched an entire basketball or hockey game in years), so that February-March void needs to be filled with something (and Spring Training doesn't quite cut it). Thus, I turn my attention to bowling. Whether it be lacing up the flattened shoes at the actual alley or watching the pros break a sweat over every ball, I love what the sport of bowling represents: the idea that a task (knock down ten pins) that looks so easy can be so frustrating.
A few years ago, while attending college at the University of Minnesota-Morris and writing sports columns for their University Register newspaper, I penned an article dealing with why I find the whole bowling experience to be so interesting. I would like to share that article here on this blog. Sure, it's not exactly football related, but since when does my head look like Stewie Griffin's (if you watch Family Guy you'll get it!). Here's the article:
This week, UR Sports has decided to delve into the realm of alternative sports; those outside the mainstream of Sportscenter. With the Twins a week away from solidifying their roster spots and only the Wild (of which I am not an avid fan) providing any excitement to Minnesota professional sports, perhaps this is as good a time as any to traverse the path of sports obscurity, shedding light on sports that so desperately need it.
Annoying Things To Do At A Bowling Alley…This week’s spotlight sport is almost certainly tried (at least once) by just as many people as any other sport in the world. However, when the word “bowl” is used in a sports context, it is generally accompanied by the prefix “Rose” or “Super”. Yet, bowling is a sport that, even in this era of exorbitantly priced sports tickets, an entire family can still enjoy together and not have to raid the “Future College Fund” to do so.
Whenever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about Black Panther conspiracies…While the scoreboards at the local bowling alleys across the country provide bowling’s statistical allure, it is not the strikes, spares, and splits that make the sport so spectacular. Rather, it is the overall experience that makes bowling memorable with each trip to the lanes. Think back to your own bowling experiences in the past and (more than likely) you will recall escapades similar to the following…
Upon arriving at the local lanes (often featuring corny slogans like “Stars and Strikes” or oxymorons such as “Lucky Split”), the first part of the bowling experience is selecting the tools of the trade. This process begins with the shoes. While trading in your beat-up sneakers for a pair of “flats” is a relatively painless experience for most people, this is not always the case for those whose feet could be mistaken for a Sasquatch. Inevitably, all bowling shoes over size 14 (although this size may vary slightly from place to place) come with fluorescent-colored laces, as if bright colors were needed to point out that Bigfoot is now bowling on Lane 8.
Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) and loudly complain that your hook is off…The next step is finding a ball. In general, two different experiences reign supreme: 1. The brief moment of panic that occurs when, after inserting your fingers into a ball that must have been made for the fingers of the Olson twins, you fear ever retrieving them again; and 2. Almost losing your thumb inside the hole of a ball that must have been constructed for a carpenter who repeatedly smashes his thumb with a hammer.
Once the most comfortable ball (usually the last one on the bottom row of the rack furthest from you) has been chosen, the time has finally come to hit the hardwood. Alas, let us not get too far ahead of ourselves. If given the luxury of automatic scoring, at least ten more minutes must be allocated in order to correctly insert the names of your bowling party. If bowling with children, this order will likely need to be changed at least once to accommodate a lucky number or a tantrum stemming from who gets to bowl first.
Rent all the lanes, don't bowl…When bowler #1 finally takes his place on the marks, a separate bowling party will straggle into the lane next to you. This time, three options regularly commence: 1. The party sharing your lane will start smoking like a Minnesota chimney in the dead of winter; 2. Certain members of said party will take perverse pleasure in bowling at the precise moment you begin your approach; or 3. One member will swear like a sailor upon every missed strike or spare, which to your dismay is a rather common occurrence. Either option requires lane relocation.
With the shoes laced, balls selected, scoring system online, and tobacco stench/vulgar language at least ten lanes downwind, it is time for those pins to meet their maker. Of course, if bowling is only a once-in-a-while activity for those who know not what to do with their Sunday afternoons after NFL season (guilty as charged), the first ball thrown will immediately be attracted to one of the gutters as if drawn by a magnet. The second ball will look much the same, only this time heading toward the other gutter due to your overcompensation.
Throw nothing but gutter balls and blame the Earth’s plate tectonics…With those “sacrificial lamb” balls out of the way, all hell breaks loose. If you can consistently hit “the pocket” (the area to the direct left or right of the head pin), the Professional Bowlers Association will be calling soon. For the remaining 99% of us, the task is a bit more difficult. Going mano-a-mano with the head pin often produces the horrible 7-10 (two back corner pins) split, from which even the best of bowlers often never recover. If you are lucky, the remaining carnage looks instead like an elementary school child’s toothy grin. Have fun picking up that spare.
The ways to achieve maximum pin slaughter are as varied as the people inhabiting the lanes (and if you have ever been to a bowling alley, you know the power of that statement). For most right-handers, the ball is thrown relatively straight in order to strike the right-hand pocket, this process being reversed for a lefty. The cream of the bowling crop throw curves that would make Bert Blyleven jealous, the ball coming within inches of the gutter before magically shooting into the pocket. Even more mysterious is the backup ball, where (by some inexplicable wrist motion) the right-handed thrower will stand on the far left of the lane and still hit the right-hand pocket.
Bring a foghorn and use it at crucial moments…During the course of any given game, other amusing or maddening (all in the eye of the beholder) events may occur. If bowling with small children, the inevitable “changeup” roll will occur, where the ball is rolled so slow that restroom runs can be made without missing your child’s look of glee as three pins tip over despite hitting the pocket square. Another obstacle is the almighty clock. Since most bowling alleys make their profits from multiple leagues, strict schedules must be followed. When the screen starts flashing red (I’m often surprised they don’t have “red alert” sirens going off like the Starship Enterprise) indicating your time is almost up, you will inevitably be in the middle of your best game in 10 years. But, alas, you pick up your pace, your delivery becomes rushed, and a few open frames show you why your average is your average.
Run around sprinkling "Magic Fairy Dust" on everyone's bowling balls…Yet, despite all those maddening obstacles, bowling can be summed up by one word: Fun. In a society where second graders play competitive sports and high schoolers are taking steroids to improve performance, bowling provides a relaxed, leisurely atmosphere in which friendships can be fostered and fun can be had by all who participate. Oh, and most importantly, in bowling no one sits on the bench.
Keywords: Bowling, Family Guy, Minnesota Vikings, Super Bowl, University of Minnesota-Morris, University Register
